January 15, 2016 was the 29th anniversary of my first dance with the arching angles of Death. This initial experience of dying did far more than change my ideas about living; gone was the fear of death hammered into me by family, preachers and supposed teachers; in an instant my terror of being misunderstood, judged and a verdict rendered “Unworthy”, evaporated. In its place was the engulfing presence of unconditional compassion whose veracity catalysed the unassailable realisation that the life I had erroneously thought I was living was pure fiction. My absolute reluctance to return was only slightly weaker than the intent of one who was determined to pull me back.
Three weeks later, my heart stopped again, this time for no discernible reason. Au contraire. In an experience many consider a ‘dream’ I was presented with a choice; that I could live or go home, die. It was not an easy decision then, and today thinking about that moment causes tears to overflow… Eternity, no time and timelessness….. So it is that this weekend brings me to what is perhaps the most important anniversary in my life. 07 February, its 29-years since that cold night in Chicago when I said ‘Yes’, agreeing to stay. Simply put, dying gave me my reason for living.
Those who know me best know that keeping my commitment has come at a high cost, a price most would be unwilling to pay.
The video you will see here may help you understand why I have never wavered. Dr. Christopher Kerr is one of my new ‘heroes’, spending day after day nurturing those who are dying, and in their progress he has been embraced by pure grace. I share his message and stories with more than a modicum of hope that hearing his words might help some of those I love understand why doing what I do has never been an option. Many espouse the belief that God is the single most important factor in their lives; consulted in every decision they make. Tragically, examination of the evidence leaves me wondering what happened to Love? even though their lives present evidence to the contrary.
Thankfully, my NDEs are no longer anecdotal, and what I experienced —the Mereon Matrix— was retrieved and is daily being further recalled and constructed. It continues to provide evidence that we are walking a living continuum, knowledge that supports the growing realisation that life continues beyond what we think of as ‘dying’. This video was a powerful reminder of why I am able to keep on keeping on despite many emotional ‘deaths’, pain, personal loss and ongoing grief caused by emotional paper-cuts. Choosing to live and speak what is true for me, mapping what is to date the simplest known ligature, connection of Love, has led to my being severed from former friends and dearly loved relatives. While I am the first to admit that there are that the sorrow feels never-ending, thankfully, being free to express my sadness, and powerful reminders such as this video carry me through, living a life filled with breakthroughs rather than the breakdown some might ‘wish’.
Sadly, love is too often conditional, relative to what we say or do. Perhaps if our relatives and those we love understood relativity, that the laws of physics, how things, including loving relationships work, are the same everywhere, our lives might change as well as how we live every breath on the edge of death whether we like it or not.